Hazardous to Your Health
by Faux Puissant
Summary: America always knew that England smoked, even when he was just a child, but now that the little colony is a bit older will England finally let him have a cig? Or will he and Canada have to steal one from the Empire's bedroom?


I recently turned 18 and decided with my new legal age that I was going to try a cigarette. Now, I don't know if all of you are smokers, I'm assuming a few of you are. To those of you who have been smoking, you make it look entirely too easy.

This story is going to be based off of my own personal experiences, and also inspired by a comic from Calvin and Hobbes. I'll attach a picture of the comic so you can see what I'm talking about if you're not big Calvin and Hobbes fans.

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~USUK~~UKUS~~USUK~~UKUS~~USUK~~Canada

"Engwand?"

The Brit's hands paused in the act of clearing the dishes, soapy water gathered up all the way to his elbows, as he looked down at the tiny cherub. The boy was swathed in a billowing white night gown, and was pulling persistently at his pant leg. Big, sky blue eyes blinking up at him through messy blonde locks, small eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

England smiled fondly at the boy before grabbing a nearby dish towel to wipe his hands dry as he squatted down to get to eye level with the young lad. He reached out to playfully tease rosy, chubby cheeks.

"Yes, Love?"

America giggled as England's damp fingers tickled the underside of his chin affectionately. Tiny hands pushed the offending digits away so as not to be deterred from his original goal. The child gazing back up at his mentor, determination etched in sky pupils.

"Engwand, why do you smoke?"

The elder country was momentarily taken aback by the question before his shoulders slumped with both wariness and shame. The warm smile fell from his lips, as he scratched the back of his head nervously.

England had always been careful not to smoke in front of America or his younger brother Canada, choosing to have a nightly smoke outside in the cool night air only after he had tucked the two boys in for the night. But he supposed that even with all his precautions, keeping the nasty habit from the boys forever was unrealistic.

"It's a bad habit I picked up when I was younger." He replied honestly. He, after all, had no reason to lie to the child. "So I smoke occasionally… more so when I'm stressed out about something or another."

A plump, pink lower lip jutted out. Small, lightly sun-dusted hands closed around two of England's paler fingers, doe-like eyes giving the elder a troubling look.

"Were you stwessed out when you were smoking wast night?"

England chuckled, scooping up the child and standing upright with the boy in his arms, cradling the new country to his chest as he ascended the stairs to return the wandering boy back to bed where he belonged.

"No, I wasn't stressed. I like smoking... It relaxes me..."

He said the last bit rather thoughtfully, a frown upon his face for a moment before smiling down at America as they reached the second landing.

"But it's a rather horrid habit, so please don't ever smoke okay?"

The once complacent boy in the United Kingdom's hold crossed his tiny arms and a full on pout made itself known on his rounded face. "How come Engwand can smoke and not me?"

He blinked and then tilted his head to the side as if pondering a new epiphany that had just come to mind. A small gasp sounded through the hallway they were currently strolling through before the front of England's sweater was grasped in a surprisingly strong hold.

"Canada told me that smoking is bad for you! Engwand needs to stop smoking! I don't want Engwand to get sick!"

The small show touched the former pirate; nobody had ever truly been concerned for his health and well being. A wider smiled pulled at the empire's lips as he brushed a soft kiss on America's forehead while pushing open the bedroom door to America and Canada's shared room. Canada was snuggled in the covers, slumbering peacefully with his favorite stuffed polar bear held tightly to his petite chest. His soft breathing disturbing the little curl that hung is his face so it wobbled with each exhale. _Poor boy, probably worn out from playing with America all day_. Though Canada was obviously exhausted from running around in the backyard with his brother, the other boy was still raring to go with that boundless energy of his.

…As proven right now as he frantically tried to educate his mentor on how bad smoking was for you and how you could get "kansur" if you did it too frequently. England shushed the boy so he wouldn't disturb Canada's sleep and sat down gingerly on the bed, careful not to jar the occupant.

He set America on his lap, straitening out the bow on his white nighty before giving the boy a somewhat half-hearted stern look, his parental mode kicking in full gear.

"I am allowed to smoke because I am an adult. Though it is true that smoking is awful for your health, I, as a country, will not be effected as severely as humans will." He allowed a small smile, "So you don't have to fret about me getting sick or anything of the sort… Alright, Love?"

America didn't seem satisfied with that answer, but before he could argue England had expertly tucked the young lad back under the covers and had given him a second kiss on the forehead, his large and slightly chilled palm brushing through sunshine hair.

"It's high time you got to sleep, my boy. Your up entirely too late," he paused before giving his colony a disapproving look. "Again." The boy had been really pressing his luck with staying up later and later. He was constantly claiming he was thirsty, or had to use the loo, or saw a ghost, or wanted England to read him to sleep. Honestly, did the young _ever_ tire?

However, with that being said the conversation (begrudgingly to America) was put to an abrupt halt. England smoothed out the covers as he stood up, leaning across the bed to give Canada a small peck on the cheek. The twin hummed softly in his sleep and cuddled into his bear a bit more.

England smiled and straitened, wishing the boys a tender goodnight and pleasant dreams before leaving the room. He hesitated at the door, making sure to leave the room cracked so the hallway light poured into the room, providing a sufficient nightlight for the two young children.

America huffed but decided that he would just try to convince England later that he should stop smoking, or at the very least, let himself smoke too. _No fair! Adults got to have all the fun! _England had said that smoking wasn't bad for countries right? Then he couldn't _wait_ until he was old enough to smoke. Giving a firm nod to his new plan he rolled over and scooted closer to his brother, who instinctively let go of his teddy bear in favor of holding onto America. The still-conscious country did the same, snuggling into his brother and wrapping a short arm around the boy, a wide yawn stretching his tiny mouth into an "O." He fell asleep to the fantasies of an older self looking cool and smoking with his older mentor.

~USUK~~UKUS~~USUK~~UKUS~~USUK~~Canada

"Brother, you sure this is a good idea?"

Canada watched his twin as they both sneaked down the hallway of their own house, shooting paranoid looks over his shoulder to see if they had inevitably been caught. Well, honestly, it was all America's fault for having such a stupid idea and then dragging his brother along, but he supposed that, at this point, he was indeed an accomplice to the crime- the crime of breaking into their guardian's room and stealing the pack of cigarettes; which, by the way, they weren't even sure he kept in his room or not.

"Course I'm sure." America boasted, a wide smile flashing perfectly strait, white teeth. Over the years America had shot up at an alarming rate, England going nuts about feeding his astonishing appetite and replacing clothes for him. Even though the empire insisted on buying nice clothes for the colony, America defiantly chose to wear beaten up, and more often then not, grass stained clothes. Always in the sun, always playing, never sitting still. Always getting into trouble. Canada sighed.

He himself was almost the same size as his brother though not as broad in the shoulders, and of course he didn't consume food like it was going out of style. He was also a bit paler then America, choosing most days, when America failed in dragging him out of the house for an 'adventure', to stay inside and invest his time in making sweets in the kitchen and out of sight. America was a child of the sun though, and could hardly be contained in doors when there was a perfectly good day to be had. Tan skin coated his body in a warm glow and light freckles spotted his nose and shoulders. Brilliant blue eyes gleamed mischievously under untamed blonde hair at his brother as he reached England's room. His hand resting on the brass door knob before turning to look at his brother.

"Ready?"

No.

America didn't wait for an answer as he turned the knob, Canada panicked when the door creaked as it was slowly pushed open. Looking swiftly this way and that, America motioned for Canada to follow him and that the coast was clear. The other colony stayed rooted to the spot though. Unable, and most certainly, unwilling to do this breaking-and-entering. His brother pouted at his hesitation, golden brows furrowed in frustration.

"Come on!" The bigger boy urged impatiently. When the command didn't produce the desired results a sly smirk appeared in place of the frown, "Or are you wussing out on me like always?"

It was a childish tactic: manipulate the other person with mockery to get their own way - a tactic America was defiantly not above using on a regular basis. It usually worked on the Canadian, but not today… two could play at this game.

"I'm not wussing out!" He whispered, though he probably didn't have to. His voice was so soft people usually couldn't hear him when he spoke normally. "You're the one who's too much of a coward to ask England if you can try smoking."

America bowed up, anger flashing in his features before he squared up with his brother. The mission temporarily forgotten in favor of arguing with his brother.

"What" He snapped, his usually loud voice was dampened so England couldn't hear them from downstairs, "I'm not a coward, I just know he's gonna say no! So I'm skipping the fight and just gonna try it myself."

Canada sighed again. Obviously America would rather ask forgiveness then permission, but he felt that this was too much. Playing a prank on their guardian was one thing, stealing was an entirely different matter all together. Canada felt like it was his duty to prevent this, and getting America away from that door was now first priority.

An idea flashed in his mind.

"I bet your too scared to even ask, aren't you?"

The jeer did it's job, America was even more distracted then before. His cheeks puffed out in irritation.

"I'm not scared!" America shot back, his voice rising slightly. Canada smirked, he wasn't stupid; he knew just what buttons to press to get his twin's blood boiling, and being called spineless was right up there with going to bed with no supper.

"I triple dog dare you to ask England if you can have a cigarette." Canada taunted in true child-like fashion. Canada knew his brother couldn't refuse a triple dog dare, it was against his own made up policy. Stupid really, but it came in handy in situations like these.

"Fine!" America snapped back, storming down the hallway. His back set strait with bold determination. He was almost at the staircase at the end of the cream colored corridor when he turned back and dramatically pointed a finger at Canada.

"If I ask him though and he says no, then _you _have to get the cigarettes for me."

Canada stammered and tried to protest but the golden boy was already sliding down the stairs' guardrail and into the small foyer by the large oak front door.

Locating England was easy enough, the man was lounging on the sofa with his legs tucked up under his rear, as he flipped through what he was sure his guardian would call "a good read." The books England read were all too mushy and boring for America though, he preferred the stories with heroes and fierce beasts. Ya know… The good ones.

On the other hand, actually working up the nerve to go out and ask England for a cigarette was another matter entirely. He gulped down a lump in his throat and wiped his now sweating palms on his trousers as he coached himself mentally on what he was going to do.

_Don't make a huge deal out of it! Your cool, just walk up and ask him, either way I'm gonna get to try it so might as well show that maple sucker that I have the guts to do anything! _

After pumping himself up, he stood up as strait as possible to put his confidence into his physical appearance. He then strolled into the room with his hands shoved in his pockets, trying to show England just how poised and grown up he was.

"Hey England." He started, giving the man a smile to cover up the unpleasant jittery feeling of butterflies doing the Conga in his belly. "Can I have a cigarette?"

The island country glanced up from his book before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small white box and a shiny silver lighter to go with it. He held the companioned set out for the boy before returning his passive emerald eyes back to his book. "Sure, just smoke outside okay?"

America blinked, then blinked again.

Wow.

The boy mumbled and affirmative as he took the box of nicotine sticks with their fire tool. He continued to stare at the older country, suspiciously searching for any signs of a trick or a sudden change of mind.

When neither happened the boy quickly darted out of the room, leaving his mentor with his tea and crusty old book before tracking down his brother. He found the blonde sitting on the back porch for him. Relishing in the smaller boy's flabbergasted expression as he shook his small trophy in his face.

"England let you have the whole pack?" Canada's mouth was having difficulty in closing properly, which only made America laugh as he opened up the package and pulled one of the rolled paper cylinders out. Placing the carton carefully on the wooden steps where Canada sat. The now overly eager boy jumped down to the ground to give his audience a good show of how awesome he was gonna look went he lit this bad boy up.

"Yup, guess the old man can be pretty cool when he wants to be." He chuckled, sticking the cigarette between his lips, the orange side in his mouth to imitate what he had seen of England's occasional nightly habit. He had been watching England smoke for years and had even practiced with a rolled up piece of newspaper a few times in the privacy of his bedroom in front of the mirror. Imagining wispy gray vapors coming from the unlit paper stick and his pursed lips when he exhaled. Just think of how cool he would look standing next to his favorite person while they indulged in a smoke together. Of course England thought he was mature enough to smoke with him. A new found pride welled in his chest as he clumsily opened the lighter. It took a few tries to get it right, but his efforts paid off when, after the eighth turn of the thumbwheel, a tiny orange flame flicked in a controlled, drop shaped space above the metal windscreen.

"They say that smoking is hazardous to your health." Canada piped up, giving America a worried look as he brought the flame to the end of the cigarette, his palm cupping the flame to protect it from a non-existing wind.

"Don't be stupid, it's only bad if you're human." America tried to murmur around the paper pipette, finally lighting up the end. It smelled funny to be this close to the smoke, but he pulled back the lighter and flicked his wrist so the Zippo would close in a snap, quite certain that he had pulled off the move and was looking like a total bad ass now. He smirked and winked at Canada as he took the smoking apparatus out of his mouth after sucking the fumes into his mouth. Two fingers balancing the roll as he blew out a puff of smoke slowly. The taste in his mouth was weird, but he could handle it. After all he was a grown up now.

"I don't think your doing it right." Canada said, though he was looking on with spiked curiosity and mild amazement. "Your suppose to inhale in, like what England does."

"I know what to do." America gave a cocky grin, as he placed the stick back into his mouth. How could he not know what to do?

The boy emptied his lung of air before sucking on the cigarette, inhaling as much smoke as possible to see if he could try making those neat little smoke rings he had been wanting to try.

His plan flew out of his mind and his chest suddenly raged with fire, burning his core down to his stomach. He hadn't even filled his lungs, yet he felt like he was going to explode if he didn't exhale right away. His chest tightened painfully and his throat spasmed as he choked, a cloud of gray spewing out of his mouth before he doubled over, falling to his knees as he clutched his abdomen in agony. Tears welled up at the corner of his eyes as he retched and placed his free hand of the ground to steady himself. His lungs - no, _all_ of his insides - felt like they had been charred. His stomach churned and he feared for a moment or two that he was going to vomit. He wheezed and coughed, but no matter how much he did the sensation burning his throat wouldn't go away. He could vaguely register Canada fretfully standing over him, not sure what on earth to do as his brother was bent over on his hands and knees violently choking. The pain didn't dull for a moment and when it finally let up he was still left with that dreadful feeling, like someone had torched the inside of his chest cavity. The nasty taste still coating his tongue and lips to the point where drool ran down his lips and onto the ground. It was far more appealing to get the bitter taste out of his mouth rather then trying to swallow it.

"Well now!" England's haughty voice sounded loudly from the porch.

America looked up through bleary, water logged eyes to see his guardian leaning against the frame of the back door. The man's arms crossed casually and a sinister, knowing smirk on his lips.

"Did we learn a little lesson today?" He asked as a bushy brow raised at his colonies looking down at them from his perch.

America tried to gasp an answer to England, but when he failed just nodded feebly.

Satisfied with that, the empire gave one last wicked grin before sauntering back into the house. He called out to the boys not to forget to bring in his carton of cigarettes and Zippo lighter when they came back in.

America wheezed a few more times, still trying to get his breath back before glaring at Canada, his voice sounding rough and strained when he opened his mouth to speak.

"S-screw cigarettes! England is w-what's really h-h-hazardous to my health."

~USUK~~UKUS~~USUK~~UKUS~~USUK~~Canada :D

To all those who smoke, just to let you know I'm not doing this as a public service announcement to get you to stop smoking. I'm sure you're all aware of how bad it is for you and don't give a damn anyway. You're all adults (I hope) you are quite capable to make those live style decisions on your own.

To all who don't smoke and want to try it. Do film it when you go through with it. If anything it'll provide your friends with a funny as hell clip to watch for years to come. The story I'm posting is not that far off from my own experience. It was a truly dreadful event.

On another note, I personally love Calvin and Hobbes, Calvin reminds me quite a bit of what I picture America to be in his rebellious youth. So when I saw the comic I simply couldn't resist. :3

Hope you all enjoyed, might be back with another story later (Who knows…)

~* Special thanks to my pet Seahorse for proof reading my work. :3 *~

Later.


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